skin tingling, breathing
silence, heart racing
no spaces in between
growing, emptiness
maybe im dreaming
entangled, skin touching

this was written about the beginning of february..

Honestly, Im so torn between the reality of whats going on and the actual feelings I have.
I know that in some way.. I have to be cared for. But on what degree? Probably nothing
more than this.. this gigantic idea that its all NOTHING.
Maybe I am causing myself too much stress over this. I don't want to give up. But somebody
told me today, if you have to put that much effort into it.. its probably not worth it.

I don't want to believe that it really means nothing. Maybe I have no idea whats really going
on. I wish that this situation had some sense of dignity. Like writing on here to express my
stupid feelings. Never a response, never a glimpse for me to even know whats happening.
I don't need serious... I just need truth. Its not that complicated. We are both complicated.
But should I continue this chase? I want to so bad, every ounce of me wants to...

BUT IS IT WORTH IT???

somehow I feel I will never get the answer..

need to, need to, need to

forget, forget, forget, forget
SPACE IN BETWEEN THE BEGINNING OR END
FACES, SCREAMING IN MY EAR
words, words, words, words
IMAGES MAKING ME CONFUSED
DOUBTFUL NEW BEGINNINGS
scars, scars, scars, scars
SALTY WOUNDS NEVER HEAL
TIME CANNOT SIT STILL FOR ME
awake, awake, awake, awake
SMELLS, DENY ME NOW
DETERMINED TO HOLD STILL
sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep

Etched in my thighs

the look between two people, its endless in nature
creation, errupting from the fears in my thighs
Can this be true, two people... unable to truely feel?
Or are we trying to escape the fear of being hurt?

Over and over I recite what I might say, the words ringing
Yet when they are near, I cannot mutter a single word of truth
Instead breathe them in, stitch the memory in my head
Over and over again, this cannot be real?

Wishing, managing to stay calm enough just for the energy
This feels almost like a dream, one from which I cannot forget
But then again, being lost in the falseness can create pain
Between my lips I manage to just breathe, deep breaths of air

Feeding, this feels too real, almost uneasy
But will they return, or just wander away
Just like the rest of them, never to be seen again
But should I leave? Or should I wait till it burns my eyes?

Deaths and all that cannot be undone

My family.. they are so sad. The Sunday of Easter on March 27th was a terrible day. My grandmother had passed away. Then yesterday my uncle passed away as well. That is two deaths within one week.. and within minutes of eachother. What must I do? I cant do anything.. and now there are disputes between family members. My mom is stuck with paying 500 dollars of my grandmothers funeral bill. And now, family members expect my mom to pay part in on my uncles funeral. They are all greedy people. I am not sure what is going on, but I just know that the family is breaking up... and I can't resolve it. The money issue is something that cannot be undone. What else is there to do?